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Mar. 24th, 2003 06:28 pmWhen did you know you were gay?
One of the more common threads of conversation when gay/queer folks first meet is the “when did you” series. Including:
+when did you come out?
+when did you know you were gay/bi/queer/special/festive?
+when did you first get it on with another guy/girl?
What seems to be important in these exchanges are not the specifics of the stories shared, but the fact that most of us have these stories, of isolation, confusion, even shame.
But the questions themselves are quite subjective. I’m intrigued with the notion of knowing one’s self as gay. How we all have different criteria, and view certain landmark life experiences as the point of demarcation between knowing and not knowing. A lot of guys (while I have lesbian pals, I’ve had many more of these chats with gay guys, through socializing, dates, and, um “dates”), through hindsight can quite clearly identify such events. And they often involve sex play with other boys their own age.
Something I never did. But then again, I only developed an interest in boys once I realized how much fun they were in bed! ;)
For me, there were three key events, two of which involved desire/lust, the other which did not. In reverse order...
When I was 19 or 20, I’d already been having sex with guys for a while--since age 14 actually--but viewed it strictly as “play.” That many of the men I had sex with were married men, made this all the more logical. It was fun, and it meant I never had to pressure my girlfriends to “go all the way.” Plus, I was terrified of fooking a girl because of pregnancy--this was all pre-condoms. Then I saw the film “making love,” about a married man who comes out. It was apparent that getting married and having kids would’ve been selfish and cruel and complicated.
When I was 14, I learned how to *really* wank. Like, the big finish. What put me over the edge was Chevy Chase, or rather, Chevy Chase’s stubbled, dimpled chin. Shortly thereafter I started scouring mainstream publications for photos of men’s faces with stubble or facial hair. I knew enough to hide them, but didn’t think “gosh I must homosexual, I’m obsessed with men’s chins.” Being president of the Math League and local chapter of the National Honor Society didn’t seem to help my critical thinking skills...
When I was 5, I found a little jar of clear nail polish in an old junk drawer. So I did my nails. When my Dad saw them he went psycho--not beating me, much--but screaming and berating me. The whole household got involved and it was a nightmare. But initial instinct was to deny I had done it, which I’m convinced saved me from being pummeled. So I learned from an early age that boys were one way, girls another, and Gawd help whomever steps outside those boundaries.
Probably it was this early event that sent me on a path of losing my authentic Self, meaning I had a very difficult time with sussing out how to act, particularly around gender roles. Which might explain how easily I divorced my sexual self (sex with men) from my social self (dating girls).
Dunno. Maybe. Maybe not.
One of the more common threads of conversation when gay/queer folks first meet is the “when did you” series. Including:
+when did you come out?
+when did you know you were gay/bi/queer/special/festive?
+when did you first get it on with another guy/girl?
What seems to be important in these exchanges are not the specifics of the stories shared, but the fact that most of us have these stories, of isolation, confusion, even shame.
But the questions themselves are quite subjective. I’m intrigued with the notion of knowing one’s self as gay. How we all have different criteria, and view certain landmark life experiences as the point of demarcation between knowing and not knowing. A lot of guys (while I have lesbian pals, I’ve had many more of these chats with gay guys, through socializing, dates, and, um “dates”), through hindsight can quite clearly identify such events. And they often involve sex play with other boys their own age.
Something I never did. But then again, I only developed an interest in boys once I realized how much fun they were in bed! ;)
For me, there were three key events, two of which involved desire/lust, the other which did not. In reverse order...
When I was 19 or 20, I’d already been having sex with guys for a while--since age 14 actually--but viewed it strictly as “play.” That many of the men I had sex with were married men, made this all the more logical. It was fun, and it meant I never had to pressure my girlfriends to “go all the way.” Plus, I was terrified of fooking a girl because of pregnancy--this was all pre-condoms. Then I saw the film “making love,” about a married man who comes out. It was apparent that getting married and having kids would’ve been selfish and cruel and complicated.
When I was 14, I learned how to *really* wank. Like, the big finish. What put me over the edge was Chevy Chase, or rather, Chevy Chase’s stubbled, dimpled chin. Shortly thereafter I started scouring mainstream publications for photos of men’s faces with stubble or facial hair. I knew enough to hide them, but didn’t think “gosh I must homosexual, I’m obsessed with men’s chins.” Being president of the Math League and local chapter of the National Honor Society didn’t seem to help my critical thinking skills...
When I was 5, I found a little jar of clear nail polish in an old junk drawer. So I did my nails. When my Dad saw them he went psycho--not beating me, much--but screaming and berating me. The whole household got involved and it was a nightmare. But initial instinct was to deny I had done it, which I’m convinced saved me from being pummeled. So I learned from an early age that boys were one way, girls another, and Gawd help whomever steps outside those boundaries.
Probably it was this early event that sent me on a path of losing my authentic Self, meaning I had a very difficult time with sussing out how to act, particularly around gender roles. Which might explain how easily I divorced my sexual self (sex with men) from my social self (dating girls).
Dunno. Maybe. Maybe not.
