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jawnbc12/23/86
I am brutally depressed. Again. I graduated from college in May, bummed around Europe for a month drinking and sucking cock. I have a shitty $13k/year job that will score me a 1 week paid trip to Japan in a few months, but it's not a living wage--even living with the rents. A few weeks earlier I started testing the waters of NYC gay bars..and of course found the most tragic, fucked up one to dip my toes in. Tomorrow night is Uncle Kevin and Aunt Nancy's Xmas eve do--the one where he, as a long time member of AA, who can and cannot have alcohol. Tommy got married last year so no midnight Mass/barathon after. But Michael and I will both sleep in, awaking to "Christmas coldies" in a red white and blue can around 1pm. Then Kath and her clan will arrive and we'll have a huge meal. Visiting Nanny for an hour will be a bright spot in what is otherwise a week so bleak that I will take a decision on New Year's Eve (home, alone, in the basement) I was too terrified of previously: in 1987 I will come out to my parents.
23/12/91
I am staying with my friends Bruce and Clive, in their spare room. The immigration fight led me to give up my apartment and couch surf since September...including a badly timed stay with Tony my new boyfriend. After a rocky several months, a holiday in late November to PV has bonded us, but after 4 months of immigration battles I have decided that if I don't get more than a 1 month extension I'm giving up and moving to Seattle. Tomorrow I get a 1 year extension and Tony and I formalize plans for me to move in with him--as his partner--in January. For the first time in my life I feel loved and loving and my life would be perfect if only I could remain in Canada the rest of my life.
23/12/96
The new job is not going well, and I'm beginning to feel at loose ends...not as bad as before I went on meds, but bad nonetheless. Tony has been an awesome friend and brother throughout, despite the "divorce" . After doing logistics and operations for the XIth International AIDS Conference in July, I took a job as a research assistant in AIDS epidemiology. This has inspired me--through rancour and bitterness at the way these nice people do "science"--to finally apply for graduate school, 10 years after finishing my BA. But if I don't get all the materials in by 01 January, I'm fucked. And if I don't get in, I don't know what I'll do. In the last 7 years I've healed so much spiritually, emotionally and physically: resolving the issue of intellect is the last..and most treacherous...one.
23/12/01
My application for a SSHRC post-doc is out; I'll have an idea in February whether I'll be moving to Sydney, San Francisco or maybe London. I've completed my comps, had my proposal and ethics approved, and have all the questionnaires back and analyzed. About half the interviews are done too. I am heading back to NYC in a few weeks for a second time after September 11th. Tommy is OK, but withdrawn and stressed and I'm worried about him. I'm still raw about it all, and will be for a long time afterwards. I am starting to seriously consider becoming an academic, a possibility that excites and scares me. Even with all this on my plate, my depression is wholly manageable thanks to meds.
23/12/06
We are just back from a vist back to Sydney and Auckland, and I actually love and enjoy Sydney now that I don't live there. We saw everyone we wanted to, did a lot of fun stuff, and relaxed. Time in NZ was equally good, with family and friends. My shopping is all done, save perhaps a thing or two for Max's stocking: poor thing has to work all weekend. We will host a small dinner for us, Tony and Jeannette; Ed will join us for dessert after lunch with his mum and aunt. Ma got out of hospital yesterday after 4 long months...and all the feelings of grief and anxiety about her illness came flooding back. In the best way possible. The new meds are working too--clearly. Work situation is still not ideal, but we are our first owned home together for our first Christmas. We are healthy, we have plenty of everything, we are a very lucky family.
I am brutally depressed. Again. I graduated from college in May, bummed around Europe for a month drinking and sucking cock. I have a shitty $13k/year job that will score me a 1 week paid trip to Japan in a few months, but it's not a living wage--even living with the rents. A few weeks earlier I started testing the waters of NYC gay bars..and of course found the most tragic, fucked up one to dip my toes in. Tomorrow night is Uncle Kevin and Aunt Nancy's Xmas eve do--the one where he, as a long time member of AA, who can and cannot have alcohol. Tommy got married last year so no midnight Mass/barathon after. But Michael and I will both sleep in, awaking to "Christmas coldies" in a red white and blue can around 1pm. Then Kath and her clan will arrive and we'll have a huge meal. Visiting Nanny for an hour will be a bright spot in what is otherwise a week so bleak that I will take a decision on New Year's Eve (home, alone, in the basement) I was too terrified of previously: in 1987 I will come out to my parents.
23/12/91
I am staying with my friends Bruce and Clive, in their spare room. The immigration fight led me to give up my apartment and couch surf since September...including a badly timed stay with Tony my new boyfriend. After a rocky several months, a holiday in late November to PV has bonded us, but after 4 months of immigration battles I have decided that if I don't get more than a 1 month extension I'm giving up and moving to Seattle. Tomorrow I get a 1 year extension and Tony and I formalize plans for me to move in with him--as his partner--in January. For the first time in my life I feel loved and loving and my life would be perfect if only I could remain in Canada the rest of my life.
23/12/96
The new job is not going well, and I'm beginning to feel at loose ends...not as bad as before I went on meds, but bad nonetheless. Tony has been an awesome friend and brother throughout, despite the "divorce" . After doing logistics and operations for the XIth International AIDS Conference in July, I took a job as a research assistant in AIDS epidemiology. This has inspired me--through rancour and bitterness at the way these nice people do "science"--to finally apply for graduate school, 10 years after finishing my BA. But if I don't get all the materials in by 01 January, I'm fucked. And if I don't get in, I don't know what I'll do. In the last 7 years I've healed so much spiritually, emotionally and physically: resolving the issue of intellect is the last..and most treacherous...one.
23/12/01
My application for a SSHRC post-doc is out; I'll have an idea in February whether I'll be moving to Sydney, San Francisco or maybe London. I've completed my comps, had my proposal and ethics approved, and have all the questionnaires back and analyzed. About half the interviews are done too. I am heading back to NYC in a few weeks for a second time after September 11th. Tommy is OK, but withdrawn and stressed and I'm worried about him. I'm still raw about it all, and will be for a long time afterwards. I am starting to seriously consider becoming an academic, a possibility that excites and scares me. Even with all this on my plate, my depression is wholly manageable thanks to meds.
23/12/06
We are just back from a vist back to Sydney and Auckland, and I actually love and enjoy Sydney now that I don't live there. We saw everyone we wanted to, did a lot of fun stuff, and relaxed. Time in NZ was equally good, with family and friends. My shopping is all done, save perhaps a thing or two for Max's stocking: poor thing has to work all weekend. We will host a small dinner for us, Tony and Jeannette; Ed will join us for dessert after lunch with his mum and aunt. Ma got out of hospital yesterday after 4 long months...and all the feelings of grief and anxiety about her illness came flooding back. In the best way possible. The new meds are working too--clearly. Work situation is still not ideal, but we are our first owned home together for our first Christmas. We are healthy, we have plenty of everything, we are a very lucky family.
