jawnbc | irrespective of nothing (Reply)

It is a warmish, dare I say, spring night here in Vancouver. I've just had an ice skating lesson, which pushes me physcially as well as mentally. I cave easily when challenged physically: I become the fag who was taunted and teased and tortured in PE class and at recess. Last week merely getting through the class was success. This week I was in better form, but much of it still kicked my arse. Still, I left enervated, and pleased. When it's by choice and design it's good to be challenged.

Today was a full and marginally stressful day. I sat in on a research meeting where most of the team are Aboriginal: the project is to study the implications of homophobia in some Aboriginal persons with HIV/AIDS's lives. I'm mindful both of my position in the university (peon though I be, to the outside world I am ivory) and as a non-Indigenous person. Rarely circumspect I have to talk myself into actively contributing so as not to dominate. And to avoid being just another clueless white person unintentionally impeding what should a naturalistic--and community driven--enterprise. But it was all good.

I seem to be heading into a cycle of productivity, both in my personal life and my work. Opportunities for collaboration are coming to (slow) fruition. My writing seems to have been jumpstarted. And at home, well we've recently taken a giant leap forward...and things were pretty great before that. I'm learning to re-inhabit my body again. Skating, skiing, snowboarding as recreation are bringing physical, spiritual and emotional benefits. I'm re-discovering my body again in terms of my sexuality, and re-committing to including

querrelle in that process more. All of this requires exertion on my part, and at times exertion means exhaustion to me. Not right now though...it feels like I am getting more than I am putting in.

In my work, in my day-to-day living I often deal with people who have been fucked over by life. At times they perceive me as one of those people who have always had their shit together...and the urge to try and persuade that I know--truly know--what despair and bitterness taste like. And that they are things that, while not easy to arrest, are things that one can put distance between you and them. Over time, with sustained effort....and a lot of setbacks. But to some, I could never meet their test of affinity; for most, I need to demonstrate how the person I am today--the person I was always meant to be--lives those principles. Not prove, demonstrate. With respect and empathy. Because people who have done that for me, past and present, were my mentors, teachers and role models. To whom I could look up, but also relate. I see a big part of my job in the universe today is relating to people, extending myself.

The chicken is ~~purchased~~ cooked and the salad is ready to be dressed. A nice casual meal and night, and some quality cuddles are my only aspirations. And rest.