Last Christmas
Dec. 17th, 2003 12:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jawnbcA distinct, though not profound, sadness has been creeping into my spirits as of late. The excitement and joy of reconnecting with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
querrelle is tempered by the trip before to New York for Christmas. I’ve been so busy with stuff I’ve not had time for much navel-gazing. And while this is ostensibly must catch up entirely before travels commence week, my time is my own and my brain’s starting to a-thinking.
Or my heart. Dunno. No, it’s definitely the heart.
Back in July I planned how Sept-December could unfold. And it has almost to a T. I’ve made 2 other trips back to NY to see the family, and will do Christmas with them for the first time since 1988. A conscious decision made initially for sanity, then for practicalities. For a long time my family brought out the worst in me--and me in them. And then I had quite the wonderful life and family here in Hongcouver. Plus airports for the big holidays are often hideous. While I’d not resolved to never do Christmas in NY again, it wasn’t high on my list of priorities. Until recently.
On Sunday I realized that 22-26 December will largely be about lasts. Last Christmas for Ma. Last time the whole family--Ma, Da, 4 kids, 10 grandkids--will all be together. Last time I’ll sleep in my parents’ house when it’ll be the 2 of them there. Last time I’ll spend with my siblings before Ma dies of that stupid horrid hateful fucking emphysema. Last time I’ll see Ma alive, and quite possibly the last time I’ll see Nana (grandma) alive.
People who love me have naturally asked me about all this, and it is their asking that’s made it slowly become real. Thank you all--I’m a big believe in real. And I see now that this is all unfolding as well as it could, for all parties concerned. I am as prepared for this as I can be. I’m not, however, ready for any of it. At least I’m not going with a sense that there are some things--issues--between Ma and me that must be spoken about or sorted. We’ve sorted as much as we ever can already--she’s not a “process” person. My job is to facilitate the holiday for her (food etc), spend quality time, and demonstrate love through actions and words. I can do that. I’m strong. And I come by it honestly.
Oh Christ this is gonna suck so bad.
querrelle is tempered by the trip before to New York for Christmas. I’ve been so busy with stuff I’ve not had time for much navel-gazing. And while this is ostensibly must catch up entirely before travels commence week, my time is my own and my brain’s starting to a-thinking.Or my heart. Dunno. No, it’s definitely the heart.
Back in July I planned how Sept-December could unfold. And it has almost to a T. I’ve made 2 other trips back to NY to see the family, and will do Christmas with them for the first time since 1988. A conscious decision made initially for sanity, then for practicalities. For a long time my family brought out the worst in me--and me in them. And then I had quite the wonderful life and family here in Hongcouver. Plus airports for the big holidays are often hideous. While I’d not resolved to never do Christmas in NY again, it wasn’t high on my list of priorities. Until recently.
On Sunday I realized that 22-26 December will largely be about lasts. Last Christmas for Ma. Last time the whole family--Ma, Da, 4 kids, 10 grandkids--will all be together. Last time I’ll sleep in my parents’ house when it’ll be the 2 of them there. Last time I’ll spend with my siblings before Ma dies of that stupid horrid hateful fucking emphysema. Last time I’ll see Ma alive, and quite possibly the last time I’ll see Nana (grandma) alive.
People who love me have naturally asked me about all this, and it is their asking that’s made it slowly become real. Thank you all--I’m a big believe in real. And I see now that this is all unfolding as well as it could, for all parties concerned. I am as prepared for this as I can be. I’m not, however, ready for any of it. At least I’m not going with a sense that there are some things--issues--between Ma and me that must be spoken about or sorted. We’ve sorted as much as we ever can already--she’s not a “process” person. My job is to facilitate the holiday for her (food etc), spend quality time, and demonstrate love through actions and words. I can do that. I’m strong. And I come by it honestly.
Oh Christ this is gonna suck so bad.
