jawnbc | My other brother, toneyvr

I met

toneyvr on 01 August 1991, at Numbers, a “one size fits all” gay bar in Vancouver’s West End. At first I cruised a guy he was chatting with, then I thought “oh, he’s cute too.” As I was working up to smiling and saying hello (”I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and people like me.”), all of a sudden he’s standing in front of me, with a fabulous smile: “halloo, my name’s Tony.” English. Gawd, what would Nanny think?

I worked it, and convinced him to come over for “tea.” At 01h00 on a Thursday night. I’ve always been more confident in the sexual department than social, and so I assummed getting him onto my bed (bachelor apartment) meant he’d jump into it. Wrong--but he agreed to a proper date the next night. When he showed up with flowers (wow, a first for me) and his own tea, sugar and milk (and a lecture on how to make “a proppa cuppa” I nearly told him buh bye.). I had no vase, so we went vase shopping. I was flattered, moved and embarassed: this guy was clearly one of those grown-up gay guys. I was definately more of a “rebuilding after the collapse” guy. Did he ever make me feel like that? Never--in fact, he made me feel normal/competent/clever. And nice. With Tony I discovered I didn’t have to worry about whether I would ever be a nice person: I already was. I had no idea. . .

So we dated--not a linear process--then partnered, and it was in many ways amazing and powerful. Tony’s the first person in years I felt loved me--and got me. But after a few years, it was clear that trying to force being lovers would kill the love. We split, I moved out, but we still spoke daily and saw each other several times a week. We took holidays together--often in larger groups--and we each became de facto members of the other’s birth families. 4 years later, when I was finally ready to risk going back to university, Tone needed a rooomate. We decided to give it a go, after all it would only be for a year while I banged out my M.Ed.

The year lasted nearly 6, as I went from a one-year M.Ed to an M.A and then a Ph.D. And our time as roommates was great. We both had distinct social lives with a fair bit of overlap. Tony has always been excellent in discerning when to be nurturing and when to be candid. Perspective. About halfway through Tone was made redundant at his job--the one he landed a few weeks after arriving in Canada, nearly 20 years earlier. The package was good, but the transition would be tough. So we got to play mutual support as we both explored our interests, aptitudes, and aspirations. At times I worried that we were too close, and that our bond might be impeding either of us finding a new partner. Meeting

querrelle assuaged those fears.

Things I’ve learned from Tony: trust, honesty, kindness, responsibility, levity, scope, passion, integrity, consistency, commitment. And more.

Not including

toneyvr with the other sibling entries was not an oversight. Tony deserves special consideration. I love my birth siblings, they’re fab. But Tony and I found each other. Which is particularly special.

Oh, and he’s hawt--as this photo from Cape Town a couple of years ago shows.