re-orienting my LJ and online life

[jawnbc]

I've always found online both really kewl and too often phreaky. The kewl outnumbers the phreaky, but the phreaky is still there.

And when I say phreaky, I'm not referring to interesting, esoteric, intriguing, eclectic folks. I mean bothersome, troublesome or worse. Somewhere along the line, I have had developed a tolerance--nay, a taste--for folks who are more than a little self-involved. No, I really shouldn't mince words here: I somehow let a number of wholly self-involved people into my sphere of online acquaintanceship--to a degree I would never in my F2F life.

The recent stuff with my mother's health crisis is what crystalized this for me. When I posted about the events and concomitant feelings, I didn't expect to receive tons of support on here; in fact, I was surprised with how much of it I got. A lof of it came from folks with more than enough stuff of their own to deal with--parenting, school, family issues, work problems, loneliness, depression--and their generosity of spirit despite such challenges really moved me. I should also say that several folks on here with whom I've engaged in very "terse" exchanges totally stepped up and offered support and insight. And I really dig that: people who can respect a person and validate their humanity, even when they've held different opinions on stuff.I've tried to thank you each in comments or via email, but if I missed you thank you so very, very much.

And then I noticed something. A few prominent folks hadn't acknowledged any of what was going on. And that really bothered me. I've sat with that (from time to time, it's not an obsession or anything) for several weeks, trying to find meaning (and my part) in it . To be clear, we're talking about a handful of people, not dozens. And I don't mean to imply that I expected every single one of my "friends" to respond to what's been going on--in fact, most of my "friends" didn't say a word, which for most of them, was normal.

I realized, however, that a few folks were really good at posting about their own issues (and were quite adept at sucking up all the sympathy), but seemed unable to offer the same in return. A couple of guys in particular--who'd happily accepted support from me in the past--didn't.say.a.word. Yet they continued posting their own drama (which I, sadly, still replied to), and were clearly capable of responding to others' entries that weren't serious or painful in the same time period. No kind words, no acknowledgement, nothing. Yet one kept me on a filter for pesonal stuff that they were going through. Which, I should add, they seemed to be always going through.

Ouch.

So while in NY I did a scour of my Friends list. I took the vacuums off. And, just as I suspected, the vacuums unfriended me immediately. Which is fine, but also smarts a bit: really I was just one of any number of shoulders to cry on, a prop really? For someone who "valued my support" apparently I wasn't worth supporting. And I cannot believe I bought into it.

And I guess that's the bit that bothers me most--my buying in. A long time ago I developed a very keen radar about detecting these sorts of people early on. I've not got that ability online, asynchronously or synchronously. I mean, back in the days of EFNET it only required lurking for about 30 minutes: the whackos revealed themselves. Here's it's not so simple.

Is it just me?

Comments

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

No matter the situation (like knowing someone totally online) you matter a lot to other people. So the details of your life matter as well.
It is kind of neat to hear about your Ma and your various family members because (at least for me) I get to know you a little better.

Your Ma sounds like the neatest person and a regular bad-ass.

[whiskerfish.livejournal.com]

It is not just you.
There's a ton of vacuums around, or so I think, and until this post of yours I hadn't really given it much thought.
The comings and goings of e-life flow and change rapidly. People are fickle.
I recently decided to void a couple of dead relationships here and I could care less for the most part and it seems to me that these folks feel much the same.
I am jack's total contempt of superficiality.

[greekcub.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[deafdyke.livejournal.com]

Aside from a handful folks I talk to and/or see regularly, I don't place too much stock on the thinner lj friendships. But yeah, you figure out pretty quickly in a crisis who to rely on for support.

Have been offline recently, hope you're doing ok.

Insert: Big SIGH

[ex-nashobabe711.livejournal.com]

I have discovered much the same thing here in LJ land. And I have been journaling about some of it -- since my return from my lats SF trip I can feel the vacuum created by "friends" who never materialized on two visits to SF now, who have now disappeared from my friends list or remain mutely present.

When the major life crisis happened to you, I was in a disaffected space of being totally DISconnected from LJ -- I am glad I did not *completely* miss you. My comments were at a minimum, in part, because I was staying away from LJ in general, but also because I did feel rather awkward, like an outsider butting his head in -- so I kept my comments to you to a minimum. I am sorry I did not be more present for you!

I have always appreciated your words of support, comfort, and validation. And I want to reaffirm that here.

One of the things I have been testing here in LJ ...I was introduced to it as a place to begin networking for my move back to SF. I have always felt somewhat uncomfortable about, and resist, simply exploiting this venue so crassly. In the process of sounding out the actual depths, of exploring LJ as a place to make real friends, it has been less than marvelous. NONETHELESS, I HAVE made a few significant friendships here. I am counting you as one of them. ... I hope we connect more when we are both living on the Pacific Coast.

Mostly, LJ has served me well as an extension for staying in touch with friends from the real world who happen to also be here.

I apologize if I have been too lax and too caught up in my own drawn out agonizing transition. It will be nice to Have a Life again, and SOON!

So, maybe we can communicate by email. (I avoid IM usually because I work at my computer all day and IM becomes extremely distracting...) I have avoided being "overly nosy" by prying into what your work and travel and relocation plans are, what emerges by connecting the dots, rather than what you state explicitly on LJ.

ah me

[arkanjil.livejournal.com]

Time is always a fierce thing; i go days without checking my lj friends list, and I rember the shock of finding out about your mother, among other things. A prayer for you was one of many I've been offering up of late; but I know too that you, sir, are in good hands in any case
Hugs

[devcubber.livejournal.com]

I feel like I'm in the same dance as you are right now, with some of my "face time" friends and some LJ people. I'm kinda a sucker...I give give give, and then when I need a friend, some that I think are become are nots. I too need to take the vacuums off.

thinkin' of you!

Re: ah me

[jawnbc]

You're fine matey, I love how our friendship runs...feels totally mutual. Never doubted your support for a bit.

[jawnbc]

I'm grand. And so are you! I was in NY but wasn't doing any visiting (read back in my blog), because Ma was poorly.

[jawnbc]

*hug back*

PS Vancouver is sooo much better than TO. For kweers, socialists, Greeks, and winter's a 20 minute drive away!

[jawnbc]

here here!

[jawnbc]

I feel the same about you. We'll meet sometime (Vancouver and Seattle are so close), but even if we don't gel F2F you're still awesome to know here. Very comfy.

And Ma....she da bomb. Showered all by herself today!

Re: Insert: Big SIGH

[jawnbc]

Yeah but whatever was going on in yourself, you stepped up, expressed concern. That's all I would expect from a friend. Not stopping their life, just acknowledgement. You're fine matey.

[jawnbc]

Tiens si on habitait au même milieu je crois qu'on sera amis, non? Je pense à toi aussi Élise!

[fao.livejournal.com]

I guess isn't you...

A lot of people here aren't capable of dealing with the whole "friend" thing as grown up persons:

what we should wait for when they deal with people, in the real life?

anyway, hugs and take care!!

[greekcub.livejournal.com]

I know I know, we loved Vancouver...

We figure after getting established in Toronto and working we'll move there :-)

[zhenzhi.livejournal.com]

nope, you are not the only one.
i find that in lj, as in rl, there are people who are definitely missing out on the joy of giving. i think the difference may be that in rl, we just don't have the time or the energy to have vacuums attached to us... whereas a quiet moment spent in expression or contemplation on lj is a very open and vulnerable and TRUSTING thing. i find myself feeling very grateful that i am allowed to be trusted and even called on for support on occasion. it is truly a pleasure and an honour. on the other hand, there have been a couple of occasions where i have been left feeling very ungrateful and displeasured by lack of reciprocality. (is that even a word? LOL)
especially now, when i am so isolated geographically... it is not "just the net" it is my lifeline to humanity in a way, and as with real life, i have respect for the very real people at the other end of wherever they are.
the trouble is... some people are not real.....
:-) lots of love sweetheart. xoxo

[jawnbc]

hugs back...thanks!

[art-thirst.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry if I personally did not say more although I wanted to. But, you know, I'm more a private person about some things and feel that you had enough to deal with without answering an email from me. However, don't ever think I ignore you even if I'm a bit silent. My mother died when I was 25 and I know I just didn't want to have any added stress. I didn't want to add any to your life with any unnecessary chatter. I'll email you privately later. {{{hugs}}}

[jawnbc]

some people are not real....BINGO!

you, however, are. And I think the word you're looking for is reciprocity. I've no interest in friends who want parents--when I want to parent I'll have kids.

Love you too!

[jawnbc]

I shouldn't be surprised but why is it all the people who are good friends are the ones apologizing?????

Which is kinda nice, but unnecessary. :)

[jawnbc]

I'm kidding of course. Toronto is great. I've always found the faux YVR YYZ rivalry tedious.

[davomatic.livejournal.com]

When my brother died a few years back, I had a similar experience. People who I felt a connection with just disappeared while people whom I wouldn’t have expected to reach out with compassion, did. I was hurt somewhat by the lack of…anything really by those who pretended claimed to be sensitive but also thankful for those that were unexpectantly. Odd little space, this is. I hope you’re doing okay.

[beastbriskett.livejournal.com]

It is time for Spring cleaning here in N. America.
At times you have to access the balance of things, and if you need to weed your garden, or thin the crop, it's no biggie. Drama will go on, whether you, or our friends, pay attention or not.

[jawnbc]

Yeah I'm fine matey. Thanks.