re-orienting my LJ and online life

[jawnbc]

I've always found online both really kewl and too often phreaky. The kewl outnumbers the phreaky, but the phreaky is still there.

And when I say phreaky, I'm not referring to interesting, esoteric, intriguing, eclectic folks. I mean bothersome, troublesome or worse. Somewhere along the line, I have had developed a tolerance--nay, a taste--for folks who are more than a little self-involved. No, I really shouldn't mince words here: I somehow let a number of wholly self-involved people into my sphere of online acquaintanceship--to a degree I would never in my F2F life.

The recent stuff with my mother's health crisis is what crystalized this for me. When I posted about the events and concomitant feelings, I didn't expect to receive tons of support on here; in fact, I was surprised with how much of it I got. A lof of it came from folks with more than enough stuff of their own to deal with--parenting, school, family issues, work problems, loneliness, depression--and their generosity of spirit despite such challenges really moved me. I should also say that several folks on here with whom I've engaged in very "terse" exchanges totally stepped up and offered support and insight. And I really dig that: people who can respect a person and validate their humanity, even when they've held different opinions on stuff.I've tried to thank you each in comments or via email, but if I missed you thank you so very, very much.

And then I noticed something. A few prominent folks hadn't acknowledged any of what was going on. And that really bothered me. I've sat with that (from time to time, it's not an obsession or anything) for several weeks, trying to find meaning (and my part) in it . To be clear, we're talking about a handful of people, not dozens. And I don't mean to imply that I expected every single one of my "friends" to respond to what's been going on--in fact, most of my "friends" didn't say a word, which for most of them, was normal.

I realized, however, that a few folks were really good at posting about their own issues (and were quite adept at sucking up all the sympathy), but seemed unable to offer the same in return. A couple of guys in particular--who'd happily accepted support from me in the past--didn't.say.a.word. Yet they continued posting their own drama (which I, sadly, still replied to), and were clearly capable of responding to others' entries that weren't serious or painful in the same time period. No kind words, no acknowledgement, nothing. Yet one kept me on a filter for pesonal stuff that they were going through. Which, I should add, they seemed to be always going through.

Ouch.

So while in NY I did a scour of my Friends list. I took the vacuums off. And, just as I suspected, the vacuums unfriended me immediately. Which is fine, but also smarts a bit: really I was just one of any number of shoulders to cry on, a prop really? For someone who "valued my support" apparently I wasn't worth supporting. And I cannot believe I bought into it.

And I guess that's the bit that bothers me most--my buying in. A long time ago I developed a very keen radar about detecting these sorts of people early on. I've not got that ability online, asynchronously or synchronously. I mean, back in the days of EFNET it only required lurking for about 30 minutes: the whackos revealed themselves. Here's it's not so simple.

Is it just me?

Comments

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

No matter the situation (like knowing someone totally online) you matter a lot to other people. So the details of your life matter as well.
It is kind of neat to hear about your Ma and your various family members because (at least for me) I get to know you a little better.

Your Ma sounds like the neatest person and a regular bad-ass.

[jawnbc]

I feel the same about you. We'll meet sometime (Vancouver and Seattle are so close), but even if we don't gel F2F you're still awesome to know here. Very comfy.

And Ma....she da bomb. Showered all by herself today!

[whiskerfish.livejournal.com]

It is not just you.
There's a ton of vacuums around, or so I think, and until this post of yours I hadn't really given it much thought.
The comings and goings of e-life flow and change rapidly. People are fickle.
I recently decided to void a couple of dead relationships here and I could care less for the most part and it seems to me that these folks feel much the same.
I am jack's total contempt of superficiality.

[jawnbc]

here here!

[greekcub.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[jawnbc]

*hug back*

PS Vancouver is sooo much better than TO. For kweers, socialists, Greeks, and winter's a 20 minute drive away!

[deafdyke.livejournal.com]

Aside from a handful folks I talk to and/or see regularly, I don't place too much stock on the thinner lj friendships. But yeah, you figure out pretty quickly in a crisis who to rely on for support.

Have been offline recently, hope you're doing ok.

[jawnbc]

I'm grand. And so are you! I was in NY but wasn't doing any visiting (read back in my blog), because Ma was poorly.

Insert: Big SIGH

[ex-nashobabe711.livejournal.com]

I have discovered much the same thing here in LJ land. And I have been journaling about some of it -- since my return from my lats SF trip I can feel the vacuum created by "friends" who never materialized on two visits to SF now, who have now disappeared from my friends list or remain mutely present.

When the major life crisis happened to you, I was in a disaffected space of being totally DISconnected from LJ -- I am glad I did not *completely* miss you. My comments were at a minimum, in part, because I was staying away from LJ in general, but also because I did feel rather awkward, like an outsider butting his head in -- so I kept my comments to you to a minimum. I am sorry I did not be more present for you!

I have always appreciated your words of support, comfort, and validation. And I want to reaffirm that here.

One of the things I have been testing here in LJ ...I was introduced to it as a place to begin networking for my move back to SF. I have always felt somewhat uncomfortable about, and resist, simply exploiting this venue so crassly. In the process of sounding out the actual depths, of exploring LJ as a place to make real friends, it has been less than marvelous. NONETHELESS, I HAVE made a few significant friendships here. I am counting you as one of them. ... I hope we connect more when we are both living on the Pacific Coast.

Mostly, LJ has served me well as an extension for staying in touch with friends from the real world who happen to also be here.

I apologize if I have been too lax and too caught up in my own drawn out agonizing transition. It will be nice to Have a Life again, and SOON!

So, maybe we can communicate by email. (I avoid IM usually because I work at my computer all day and IM becomes extremely distracting...) I have avoided being "overly nosy" by prying into what your work and travel and relocation plans are, what emerges by connecting the dots, rather than what you state explicitly on LJ.

Re: Insert: Big SIGH

[jawnbc]

Yeah but whatever was going on in yourself, you stepped up, expressed concern. That's all I would expect from a friend. Not stopping their life, just acknowledgement. You're fine matey.

ah me

[arkanjil.livejournal.com]

Time is always a fierce thing; i go days without checking my lj friends list, and I rember the shock of finding out about your mother, among other things. A prayer for you was one of many I've been offering up of late; but I know too that you, sir, are in good hands in any case
Hugs

Re: ah me

[jawnbc]

You're fine matey, I love how our friendship runs...feels totally mutual. Never doubted your support for a bit.

[devcubber.livejournal.com]

I feel like I'm in the same dance as you are right now, with some of my "face time" friends and some LJ people. I'm kinda a sucker...I give give give, and then when I need a friend, some that I think are become are nots. I too need to take the vacuums off.

thinkin' of you!

[jawnbc]

Tiens si on habitait au même milieu je crois qu'on sera amis, non? Je pense à toi aussi Élise!

[fao.livejournal.com]

I guess isn't you...

A lot of people here aren't capable of dealing with the whole "friend" thing as grown up persons:

what we should wait for when they deal with people, in the real life?

anyway, hugs and take care!!

[jawnbc]

hugs back...thanks!

[zhenzhi.livejournal.com]

nope, you are not the only one.
i find that in lj, as in rl, there are people who are definitely missing out on the joy of giving. i think the difference may be that in rl, we just don't have the time or the energy to have vacuums attached to us... whereas a quiet moment spent in expression or contemplation on lj is a very open and vulnerable and TRUSTING thing. i find myself feeling very grateful that i am allowed to be trusted and even called on for support on occasion. it is truly a pleasure and an honour. on the other hand, there have been a couple of occasions where i have been left feeling very ungrateful and displeasured by lack of reciprocality. (is that even a word? LOL)
especially now, when i am so isolated geographically... it is not "just the net" it is my lifeline to humanity in a way, and as with real life, i have respect for the very real people at the other end of wherever they are.
the trouble is... some people are not real.....
:-) lots of love sweetheart. xoxo

[jawnbc]

some people are not real....BINGO!

you, however, are. And I think the word you're looking for is reciprocity. I've no interest in friends who want parents--when I want to parent I'll have kids.

Love you too!

[art-thirst.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry if I personally did not say more although I wanted to. But, you know, I'm more a private person about some things and feel that you had enough to deal with without answering an email from me. However, don't ever think I ignore you even if I'm a bit silent. My mother died when I was 25 and I know I just didn't want to have any added stress. I didn't want to add any to your life with any unnecessary chatter. I'll email you privately later. {{{hugs}}}

[jawnbc]

I shouldn't be surprised but why is it all the people who are good friends are the ones apologizing?????

Which is kinda nice, but unnecessary. :)

[davomatic.livejournal.com]

When my brother died a few years back, I had a similar experience. People who I felt a connection with just disappeared while people whom I wouldn’t have expected to reach out with compassion, did. I was hurt somewhat by the lack of…anything really by those who pretended claimed to be sensitive but also thankful for those that were unexpectantly. Odd little space, this is. I hope you’re doing okay.

[jawnbc]

Yeah I'm fine matey. Thanks.

[beastbriskett.livejournal.com]

It is time for Spring cleaning here in N. America.
At times you have to access the balance of things, and if you need to weed your garden, or thin the crop, it's no biggie. Drama will go on, whether you, or our friends, pay attention or not.

[jawnbc]

true enough.

[that-dang-otter.livejournal.com]

It's funny, because when I responded to that post it was in part because it touched on a whole lot of issues that are important to me. But on seeing what I initially wrote, I immediately thought "what a heartless bastard" and posted a more suitable followup.

LJ is a funny medium in that the gravity of any particular post is often lost among the zillions of "issues" that dominate discourse in a relatively impersonal way. So I got caught up in that, completely forgetting that there was a human being behind that writing.

Really, it happens to the best of us.

[jawnbc]

Yeah I know, and your follow-up redeemed your initial posting. But both reflect you, so I've no issue with them at all. In fact, they made me smile because they genuinely reflected Tony.

And the folks who normally are quite good at this and who missed this one are also fine. It's the vapid ones who never offer succour yet constantly seek it that got up my nose. OK, hurt my feelings.

[perkk.livejournal.com]

So by implication, you're saying I don't suck. Thank you, you're so sweet! I'm sorry I don't reply more often. Sometimes life does catch me up by the short hairs, sometimes I don't feel I have anything add worthy, beyond the lame woof, hug and/or grin (all of which, at the risk of being repetitive, you're welcome too anytime).

[jawnbc]

Ain't lame at all. With respect to sucking, that's your personal business. :D

[jawnbc]

Yeah and that's cool too...because you often give thoughtful, personal responses to stuff--in my LJ and others--and respond to my comments on yours along the same lines. That overall mutuality is more what I'm trying to get at here.I would never judge a person for missing one opportunity to give a kind word, knowing that it's all pretty daunting.

But from my experience, any kind words are always appreciated. Though I sensed your good will long before this bad time for Ma.

Although it was the Republica de Bruno icon that made me friend you. ;)

[smiley-kiley.livejournal.com]

oh sweetie, it's SO not just you. I too often note that certain "comment whores" -- some of whom are even good friends -- who will post anything in order to receive the maximum number of responses (read: ATTENTION), hardly ever respond to anything I ever write. I get embarrassed that I even care enough to think about it, but yeah, sometimes it bugs me. Then I get over it. Or I fuckin de-friend the losers. Depends on my mood that hour. :-P

[jawnbc]

Or I fuckin de-friend the losers

Ah, sage advice in my mother tongue. Gotta fuckin like that!

You rawq. Next time I'm in SF we must hang. Non-negotiable.

[le-lapin.livejournal.com]

[jawnbc]

Ouais, t'as raison. Mais c'est parce que j'enfuse tant (trop) dans mon LJ, je suppose que j'attends la même d'autres?

Man that's bad French--sorry! Ceux qui écrivent souvent des entrés amusantes, aucun problème. Ou les pensées privées, même. Mais ceux qui postent avec beaucoup de drame, qui crient «pauvre moi, pauvre moi, c'est dûr pour moi!» et qui ne voient jamais les troubles d'autres--a m'énarve! (that's joual: "on my nerve" francocisé).

Toi, je t'adore. Un beau lapin, un chaud lapin!

[foresterx.livejournal.com]

I have a full understanding what u mean, although my experience was real life rather than online, as a result I have removed that person from my life.

But I am hoping I can buy you and your sexy hubby a beer when i am in Sydney in May

[jawnbc]

That would be grand! Cheers Matthew!

[sinnabor.livejournal.com]

Uh, uh, uh... you know, I don't think I posted any encouragement. Though I read with relief that things were improving.

I worry that "Hugs." just sounds lame and hollow. And I suppose my worrying about it is somewhat self-involved. I mostly feel I don't know what to say.

I used to have a similar worry about compliments. That they'd just sound silly. Until someone told me that my silence was often worse. I'm still working on that.

So, belatedly, sorry to hear that your ma is unwell. I think I know what that feels like - though it's been fading for me.

[jawnbc]

It is good to offer even a wee word of support. But you're not a drama queen so your being kinda of quiet about all this actually fit perfectly. And I also remember about your Mom and figured this might cut a bit close to the bone.

If hugs is hollow, maybe use your own words. Someone emailed me "wow that totally sucks!" And it did!

I wasn't referring to you Brian. At. All.

[alec9.livejournal.com]

I think it's pretty damned hard to get a genuine sense of who people are based on text. how often do people use something like "lol" to get across that they intend something to be a joke and not a snipe or barb?

tone is really hard to convey. I've recently had to make a very difficult separation from an employer that I really love. I refused to talk to her about things on the phone. As far as I was concerned we needed to sit down and have a heart to heart, despite the respective impossibilites of schedule we both maintain. I don't feel "right" about my read of people, and distrust that they can read me, unless it is face to face. I needed to say goodbye professionally with a hug and a smile and a tear. But it meant that I ducked coming right out and saying bye at the first (and maybe best) opportunity.

I think it is quite possible to acquire "vacuums" online, who seem to have all the requirements of introspection and eloquence which would lead us to believe they might be able to engage both ways - because of the difficulties of making a good "read" with text only.

Ironically, I am one of those who has never commented my support for your recent emotional posts. And I'd like to think of myself as one who would. Brother Pete (trapezebear) has occasionally had to call me out for a lack of response from me when he would have liked it. I have to assume there are good and bad reasons for my behavior. Sometimes it is logistical and sometimes I just won't let myself access the emotions necessary to be a sympathetic human.

Shame on me. Not said flippantly nor with too much self-flaggelation.

But also...okay, I forgive myself. Honestly, the prospect of near family, particularly a parent, passing is hard enough to deal with. Sometimes I just have no idea what to say. I feel almost disingenuous when I attempt to write words of sympathy and so sometimes I just throw up my hands.

there I go "I"ing again. I'm sorry if my any lack of sympathy from my quarter added to any of your distress. It stinks that people are so self-involved and that it's hard to "read" that until their asses fail to live up to expectation. Your mom's illness is no doubt difficult enough without indifference piling more crap and doubt & dis-ease your way. I am sorry if I am part of that. I continue to read your posts with interest and hope you continue to find strength in difficult times. I will endeavor to be better about saying so in the future. You are in my thoughts.

[jawnbc]

You're not a part of it at all. You're consistent in our engagements on here. Perhaps I didn't make that clear enough in my posting here (I was trying not to over-intellectualize things), but it's that inconsistency, that one-sidedness that got up nose. 5 year-olds can demand attention and offer little back; it's gross on 35 year-olds.

I quite enjoy our "drive-by" LJ exchanges. Frequency is low, but quality high. And as someone whose life has been so profoundly molded by family, encountering you and Pete on here is very intriguing. Nah, it's just cool.

So thanks for "I"ing all over my journal!!!

[slate-canada.livejournal.com]

I can't really identify since I haven't built a 'friends list' long enough to be able to afford to start disposing of anyone. Perhaps that day will come? I hope you aren't too hard on the passive-blogger. I'm sure everyone has a subtly different view of how this tool should be used.

While it may sometime seem that there is an inequitable amount of energy being exerted by the masses, you could take the optimistic approach that your posts are leaving many of us in silent awe. Enjoy your readership and the intellectual capital you are creating on here, for hopefully it is for your benefit more than for anyone else.

[jawnbc]

passivity is fine, though I had a stand-alone blog before I came to LJ. It's the potential for interactivity here that make it worth doing. For me. As much as I almost like the idea of leaving you in silent awe, I really crave touch, even virtual.

But cheers!

[stoplabelingme.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I didn't comment at all. I was reading them, but kind of self-involved and freaking out at the same time. I believe I went into denial, only coming out long enough to ring Grandpa to see how she was doing. I realize how much harder it must've been seeing your mom go through that than seeing your grandmother. I remember how awful it was right before Grace was born when Mummy was in the hospital and there were complications and we didn't know how it was going to turn out. I'm glad you got through it okay, and I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive.

You're always there for me and I DO appreciate that, even if I don't say it. You're there for the whole family even when they don't even try to be there for you and that's really rare.

Sorry for the second grade book report cadence of this comment. It's three am and I just got out of work and it's all I can do to type on the keyboard and not the desktop next to it. Love!

[jawnbc]

Love back!You're grand J!

As someone who loves Ma just as much as me, this is as much about you as me. But really about Ma. And you're really in my life, even if we've not seen one another in 1.5 years. Next to being my sister, the 2 best things Kath ever gave me was you and Jenimé. OK, not to me per sé, but you know what I mean.

[timbear.livejournal.com]

Different people have different reactions when faced with someone else's distress.

I for example never really know what to do to help so tend to remain silent, while my partner who is a GP has lots of experience of dealing with grief and distress and usually knows exactly what to do or say to help ease the situation.

The fact that people are silent doesn't necessarily mean that they don't sympathise, it might merely be that they don't have a comfortable way of expressing that sympathy.

[jawnbc]

No I realize that Tim. I was referring to the sort of person who has no trouble finding their voice to seek support (even critiquing, at times, the quality of that support), yet ignores those who could use a bit in return. I'm not so arrogant to assume that everyone on my friends list should've sent a personal message, or anything of that nature. Perhaps I wasn't as clear as I could've been.

[lfkbear.livejournal.com]

I can't speak for anyone except myself, but I can say that my LJ reading and posting tends to be cyclical... especially when I'm in NYC, where my only computer access is at work. There just isn't the same time to read through posts when I'm here in Wales, and I only tend to post once or twice a week. There's also the burn-out factor of reading and reading, and you periodically only want to purge, yourself. It's selfish, but I think we all go through that.

In the past week or so, I've gotten back into the habit of digging into LJ. It's taking a while to bring myself up to speed on people's lives. But I'm doing my best. That's all any of us can do, I suppose. And, even so, there are times when I simply read and don't write responses. It's all sorta random, and based on how something hits my brain.

I'm sorry that you had that one particularly bad experience. Ya meet all knds on this site. I can burn your ears with some of the people I've encountered. It's all a crapshoot.

I'm sorry if my absence as a reader and responder (is that even a word?)contributed to you feeling this way. Hope you're doing well.

[jawnbc]

you periodically only want to purge, yourself. It's selfish, but I think we all go through that.

Uh, actually, no. Kind of my point really.

[superbbluewren.livejournal.com]

When I read your post, John, I immediately felt guilty that I had not responded sufficiently to what was going on in your life. I left I think a single comment to the effect that I am glad your mother now accepts you as are, not a 'prodigal' son but different. It seems she has accepted Max into the family which is great. Partly I didn't respond because it was a bit too close to the bone for me.

I wonder about the whole LJ thing. Sometimes I think I should just cut my account. At other times, I realise that people are actually reading and hopefully enjoying what I have to say, or benefiting from it in some way even though they don't comment. Sometimes it seems as though I 'spill my guts' and no one comments. At other times, I write something that I feel is trivial and get a whole lot of comments.

I find it difficult to know what to say sometimes. I have responded to some posts and thought afterwards that my response was inappropriate since I don't know the person. At other times, I have not responded because I felt I felt I had nothing to offer but plattitudes or that I could say no more than people have already said better than I could.

I am glad you didn't cut me. As different as our experience has been, I value your contribution and respect your opinions, feelings and insights.

[jawnbc]

You're not a drama queen; in fact, we probably need an antonym for drama queen (substance queen?) to describe your thoughtful entries. So I'm not referring to you.