I wanna hold you 'til the fear in me subsides

[jawnbc]

Few things please me more than cheating the universe out of an extra hour's sleep. Real or imagined. Remind me of this when I gripe in the Spring about the opposite--though I love love love the long summer evenings. But I'm paradoxical like that. Go me, go maith léisceal.

Having been very productive yesterday, I'm gonna try and repeat that today. I'm working on a funding application to research the role mentorship plays in training health services researchers. If the $$$ comes through, I'd have some job security and a fair bit of autonomy for the next couple of years. It's got to be in the can and submitted on 15/11, and I'm feeling increasingly confident. Remind me of this when I'm grinding my teeth to the root and my colon is spasming on 14/11.

I also have to prep a lecture for tomorrow evening (class is going well), and a few odds and ends. There's an article to (still) finished, (always) some literature to review. I've abluted, but I need to eat too. Hello? Waiter? Is this anyone's station? :(

I am, however, in need of more human contact outside of work and marriage. Before I moved to Australia I was in the trenches of grad skool (I did my PhD in 3 years, while working 20-30 hours a week); I could only sustain my most important friendships, so when I did find a window of time to socialize, I felt awkward ringing up The Ignored and offering them the privilege of my company for a (on my terms, of course) limited timeframe. So for the most part I didn't. I'm back in that space now, since I've been away a few years--and, surprisingly, a few pals and I have outgrown each other. That's especially true of my grad skool friends, some of whom are only now wrapping things up. There's no animosity (that I'm aware of), but our commonality has eroded.

There are, of course, several people on here that would be great to spend some time with. But being on the same slab of land doesn't necessarily make that any easier.

I'm OK, actually I'm good. Just a bit of longing. Best I get some of this work done, so I can pick up the phone perhaps a bit later this arvo.

Comments

[garpu.livejournal.com]

Damn. HOw'd you do it working 20-30 hours a week? I'm going nuts at 20.

[jawnbc]

I only manage to get things done when I'm maxed out; give me half a workload and I get only get about half of it done.

Bear in mind some of this was teaching (which I love doing and is like breathing for me). And my PhD was a "reading" degree: little required coursework. I had my proposal and comps done at the beginning of year 2, and did my data collection and analysis and writing all in year 3. I had a 3 year fellowship, I wanted my fudd to be free.

[garpu.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess it would be a bit different if you're expected to crap out music for your portfollio *and* write.

[nursetomsf.livejournal.com]

I can completely relate to the longing for more human contact outside of school and work. This semester has been the hardest - I'm immersed in studying or homework every night, and large parts of every weekend. I have friends I haven't seen since I started back in September - and many I haven't talked to either.

In fact, I was just telling Ed last weekend how I'm feeling very disconnected from life, because I rarely see anyone, and when I do it's not for very long (and usually in large groups so I can get my social fix - so no real quality time). And this is just the start - it will get worse once I'm actually in the Nursing program...

[jawnbc]

Aw baby....*hugs*

But it's still totally worth it. The sense of accomplishment and achievement when you go to school as an ould fook is awesome. For me going back to school was making amends to the universe: I have gifts and aptitudes and if I don't learn how to use them to make the world a better place, I'm not being the best me I can be.

And my true, inner posse has been 100% behind me. I just miss being Ms. Congeniality sometimes...

[nursetomsf.livejournal.com]

I agree - the social sacrifice is (and will be) totally worth it. And the one person who matters most, Ed, is incredibly supportive and understanding - as are the rest of my very close friends.

[zurcherart.livejournal.com]

I hear ya.

[soeursansmerci.livejournal.com]

I love you, Dr. Jawn.

[jawnbc]

Aw...love you to R!

[beverly-sutphin.livejournal.com]

It'd take a lot more than a little eroded commonality to get rid of me. Of course, it's a challenge to get me to leave my house, nowadays. I understand what it's like to change scenes, leaving all but the most important aside, and when you do it a few times, you suddenly realise that you have a much smaller circle... well, I do, anyway. Having said that, the important ones are there regardless of what stage of life you're in, and they can understand limited time and when we get together again we can just pick up where we left off.

[jawnbc]

oh you're totally on the inner torture-one-another-til-we-die list.

[mikeybill.livejournal.com]

I'm at the beginning of a PhD myself and constantly wondering if I really want to be a Dr that badly - the stress and strain and hightened levels of procrastination it all involves. But then I have a good day and it's all ok again. It just seems like a big amorphous blob at times, I want more structure.

[jawnbc]

You're very right. I only work well when overloaded, so I kept myself busy with teaching, some p/t research.

I was (paradoxically) free from questioning my timeframe: I had funding contingent on completing a certain project. That $$ was for 3 years so I just killed myself to be (largely) done in that timeframe. If you're results-driven, I wholly recommend it. :)