jawnbc | Seán mac Aodhan is ainm dom

It's something of a quiet Saturday night for me.

querrelle is off skating on his own: my sciatica is mostly a memory but a couple of leg muscles--integral to walking and, as luck would have it, skating--continue to spasm. A shame really, because I love the skating. Should be right for our next (midweek) session.

I've spoken to two nieces and my brother this week. We're all so busy, so caught up in the day-to-day of our lives that the occasion for naturalistic, easy chatter is rare. With Tommy it came out of spontaneous appearance on IM, a request for my phone number, and a call from NYC. We chatted about 30 minutes, initially Tom wanted to recount an interaction with one of our aunts and his daughter: more specifically, he wanted someone who "got" the point of the story. Which I did. We get each other, almost entirely. And I think he needed to be got...as did I.

Our family is grand. Grand as in big or large, but grand also in presence. Rare is the Egan who manages to avoid the radar of attention...in school, in our jobs, in the neighbourhood, our presence is felt. And that's true as much for the shite disturbers (Ma, Kath, me, my cousins Mary, Maureen and Michelle) as for the quiet ones like our brother Mike. Put 2 or more of us together and we're impossible to ignore. 1 + 1 =10.

The gift of my family membership is that presence, that sense of self that comes from being a part of something grand, substantial, real. Dis/function, distance, resentment, misunderstanding--none of these things have undone the weight, gravitas of growing up with a strong sense of us. As I've gotten older, it has also been this lineage that has allowed me to assert within the family my own unique place in the clan. Paradoxically, being (largely) over the fear of rejection because I'm queer has--at least in my mind--guaranteed rejection is not possible. Because no one can unilaterally decide to exile anyone else. And since infidelity, abortion, domestic violence, poverty, addiction, religious fanaticism, and divorce never led to a strong consensus for banishment--all of which are things that arguably justify being banished--being queer never really would have either.

When Tommy finished telling his story, we both chucked and I said "don't enjoy yourself too much, when Casey's our age she's gonna be telling stories like this about us."

By the grace of Gawd I hope so.