jawnbc | train in vain

Sometimes when I avoid dealing with something, the cumulative effect of that avoidance is worse than dealing with things in a more forthright manner. OK, almost always rather than sometimes. So 2 days ago I was anxious and depressed and a bit hopeless: hopeless, but still with the ability to know...intellectually...that things aren't really that bad. And then 2 nights ago I got perhaps 2 hours of sleep. Yesterday wasn't as horrible as it could have been, given my sleep deficit, but the dog was definately fucked. Last night

querrelle and I went to see "The Queen". Great performance, interesting movie. But a great movie? No. I'd recommend it, however.

In retrospect I've been depressed for months. My libido's been all over the map, and the brainstorm has been pretty constant. For me, the relentless internal chatter about how everyone and everything else is screwed up should have been a huge red flag...but it crept up over time. And there's no shortage of people in the world to validate crabbiness. LJ's especially good for that.

Good for nothing for me, that is. One of my favourite quotations on the subject: "the grouch and brainstorm are not for us; they are dubious luxury of so-called normal men. But for us they are infinitely grave; they are, in fact, poison." Brainstorms tell me I'm so clever and insightful and better than those imperfect folks around me. But their subtext is that I'm feeling my humanity and civility slipping away. And being depressed isn't a good excuse: I've met people facing much more daunting challenges that I am right now, who remain warm and civil. Genuinely.

Today it's lunch with

toneyvr, coffee with another good friend, and a few hours' work. Followed by happy hour and sushi.