train in vain

[jawnbc]

Sometimes when I avoid dealing with something, the cumulative effect of that avoidance is worse than dealing with things in a more forthright manner. OK, almost always rather than sometimes. So 2 days ago I was anxious and depressed and a bit hopeless: hopeless, but still with the ability to know...intellectually...that things aren't really that bad. And then 2 nights ago I got perhaps 2 hours of sleep. Yesterday wasn't as horrible as it could have been, given my sleep deficit, but the dog was definately fucked. Last night querrelle and I went to see "The Queen". Great performance, interesting movie. But a great movie? No. I'd recommend it, however.

In retrospect I've been depressed for months. My libido's been all over the map, and the brainstorm has been pretty constant. For me, the relentless internal chatter about how everyone and everything else is screwed up should have been a huge red flag...but it crept up over time. And there's no shortage of people in the world to validate crabbiness. LJ's especially good for that.

Good for nothing for me, that is. One of my favourite quotations on the subject: "the grouch and brainstorm are not for us; they are dubious luxury of so-called normal men. But for us they are infinitely grave; they are, in fact, poison." Brainstorms tell me I'm so clever and insightful and better than those imperfect folks around me. But their subtext is that I'm feeling my humanity and civility slipping away. And being depressed isn't a good excuse: I've met people facing much more daunting challenges that I am right now, who remain warm and civil. Genuinely.

Today it's lunch with toneyvr, coffee with another good friend, and a few hours' work. Followed by happy hour and sushi.

Comments

[that-dang-otter.livejournal.com]

Hm, in that context the line Brainstorms tell me I'm so clever and insightful and better than those imperfect folks around me is kind of surprising. I'd always assumed that inner chatter like this was generally a problem when it became self-deprecating. Anyway, I've never heard it talked about that way before.

I'm not sure I'd be so down on feelings of grouchiness and superiority. The sense that everything must be wonderful because We're So Lucky is fine unless it's masking something that actually isn't OK, something that demands change. Maybe your grouchiness isn't just about your inner state, maybe there really is something external that needs identification and fixing.

On a personal note, I've always paid attention to your comments about the negative aspects of misanthropy. At the same time, a friend of mine who moved from the Bay Area to Ukiah because he "realized that he hates people" is just as happy as a clam now that he can keep his distance from the madding crowd. He seems far better off being honestly misanthropic and doing something about it than he would be reminding himself of his "good fortune" and repressing the fact that his fellow human beings were making him miserable. Since I'm in the process of following his example for many of the same reasons, I'm not inclined to dismiss grouchiness and "brainstorms" as just a chemical disorder to overcome. I think there are lots of good reasons to be grouchy, and maybe getting rid of those reasons is better than a forced change of attitude.

Anyway, good luck. You've always got Stanley Park to escape to, ain't no imperfect people out there. Except for the ones who litter, who should be shot on sight. ;-)

[jawnbc]

Thanks. But trust me, this is brain chemistry. Your mileage may vary.

I appreciate misanthropes who figure out that disengaging makes everyone's life better. It's the ones who feel the cure of their ills is to diss, attack, or belittle others are with whom I take issue.

Stanley Park will be grand after it dries out a bit. We've had close to 400ml of rain in the past 2 weeks. And more on the way. But the mountains are full of snow and I'm itching to get back to snowboarding 101! I picked up a one nighter Cypress pass that includes 5 lessons. W00t!

[that-dang-otter.livejournal.com]

Oooh, wish I could go boarding this year. It's gonna have to wait until next year, though. I've been riding for 18 years now, and it pains me to miss a season. Maybe we can arrange to go together next year.

[jawnbc]

sure. by then I might be able to keep up! (though I'm a wuss...more of a glider than a daredevil)