(no subject)

[jawnbc]

I woke up a big groggy, so I decided to give myself a treat. Thus, quick as a bunny I leapt out of bed, put the kettle on, filled the bath, poured the kettle to steep the tea, turned off the bath, sweetened (Splenda™) and milked (organic) the tea, and slid into the bath with Anna Maria Tremonti. Wash, scrub, shave, rinse, slurp, unplug, towel, tone, moisturize, deoderize, dress, out the door.

The spring in my step must've made my glee transparent to all; I fairly skipped up Robson Street to The Bay. Where I dodged and weaved around the perfume pimps and presented myself in the cosmetics section to the Estée Lauder ladies. And said to the Lauder Lady "I'd like my free consultation and makeover please."

"Sorry, it's only for ladies."
"It doesn't say that."
"Well it is."
"Well it isn't. I'd like my consultatiion now please."
"We don't sell men's product. Why don't you try..."
"Clinique? Been there, done that. Besides, are you saying your line of product will somehow deform my XY body's otherwise gorgeous skin?"
"Of course not..."
"Perfect." And I scurried onto her amazon-height stool, dropping my jacket to the floor behind me.

Heavy sigh. "OK, well first we need to determine if you..."
"Cleanse? Tone? Moisturize? Every day!" I chirped. At which point my nipples got a wee bit turgid.
"Uh, fine, but it's also important to..."
"Exfoliate, 1-2 times a week. Yup, do that too. See?" as I traced my finger up my rather stunningly lovely cheekbone.
"Oh, OK. Excuse me a moment sir."

After about 5 minutes - which I must say is a bit of a drag when you've got leprechaun length legs and you're balanced on a stool 2-3m above the floor - she returned with HIm. You know, the Official Gay Man in Cosmetics dude. But I wasn't buying.

"Nuh, uh. No way. No offense dude, but I didn't come here to have a guy reiterate what I already know. I'm here for the VIP stuff. The advance skin care secrets of women everywhere. You know, the stuff you won't tell us guys. Even us gay guys." At which point OGMiC gave me a perfect supermodel eyebrow smile, pivotted and walked away. As Lauder Lady called after him, he just sorta gave the über gay version of the royal wave and kept walking.

Lauder lady turned to me. And looked. And dropped her stare before I did. And at last got out her brushes.


...or not. ;)

Comments

[ptownnyc.livejournal.com]

The scene is wonderful, and would be even better if you wore the outfit your icon is showing :)

[sunsmogseahorse.livejournal.com]

Your vagina is fierce!

Way fiercer than hers, anyway.

[madknits.livejournal.com]

You are evil.

Eeeeeeevil.

[chen-tokuryu.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you can refer me to a dermatologist.

And the fucked up part about that is that I'm serious; 'tis part of the Master Plan.

[garpu.livejournal.com]

What I wouldn't have given to be a fly on the wall during that exchange...

[jeffbriggs.livejournal.com]

i applaud and re-applaud you Jawn.

We are off to see the Rankin Family tomorrow night at Massey Hall.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Awesome. :)

[mikeybill.livejournal.com]

But I thought your skin was naturally glowing and full of life - you mean it's all product-based? ;-)

[madknits.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey, after 25 it's all about "moisturise, moisturise, moisturise!"

;-)

[danbearnyc.livejournal.com]

Crisco, dear, it's the only thing that retains your skin's natural moisture. Get it now before they switch to the non-transfat formula.

[mikeybill.livejournal.com]

NOW you tell me?!?!

[mikeybill.livejournal.com]

and I hope you don't mind but I've just added you - we have a few friends in here in common and I think you look interesting.

that is damn well funny

[weebax.livejournal.com]

LMAO!!

[madknits.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I've added you, too.

[logisticslad.livejournal.com]

ROTFLMAO!!!

[beastbriskett.livejournal.com]

Bravo!
Do you do the same routine on your supple man-ass?

[mikeybill.livejournal.com]

1961 was such a good year !

[master-flea.livejournal.com]

This entry made me laugh for a good 2 minutes before I could get back to reading my f-list. You are win.

[puzzld1.livejournal.com]

*snort*

[cogshiftingman.livejournal.com]

I must say I admire your balls.

[stoplabelingme.livejournal.com]

You are so the role model!

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

You mean I've been using the power sander for no good reason?

But at least I dyed my hair today...

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

I dunno... I'm rather fond of '56.

[catdraco.livejournal.com]

I laughed so hard at this my husband came out to see what was so funny. So I read it out to him... and he fell about laughing, too.

You're made of awesome. =)

[bear-left.livejournal.com]

Love it, love it, love it... reading this story from you reminds me of a conversation with ACT UP-type friends about the body care products we secretly wanted to keep after the revolution came.

[valdemar-golbez.livejournal.com]

Dr. Alan Dodd. He helped me. If you can stand the overly Christian literature in his waiting room, he'll help yer skin/

[eressea.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. Gawds.

I've thought about trying that... my local Shopper's Drug Mart has fairly regular sessions. I'll have to check on their policies. :)

[jamaisneutral.livejournal.com]

LMAO. Make this into a novel! :)

[madknits.livejournal.com]

No joke, I once saw a guy at the gym dying his chest hair! He finished colouring his beard and then touched up his chest.

I was not impressed.

[jawnbc]

Alistair McLeod on Burrard Street. One of the best in Canada.

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

A: Could have been worse. At least it wasn't pubic hair.
B: How did he keep from staining himself with the dye?
C: What the fuck!?!??

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

Oh....... Wonderfully bad. Can I steal this?

[madknits.livejournal.com]

A. Chest hair was bad enough
B. It was a very small brush, like an applicator for eye shadow. Honestly, I didn't get too close.
C. Vanity, vanity, thy name is Gay Man.

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

(Shakes head...)

I guess I can't blame you for not getting that close, and at the same time I can't help but think that "Dye Guy" has a damn sight more pertinence than I do.

Gotta admit though, the thing that sold me on dying my hair (head only...) was using a friend's mascara to darken my beard for a sketch we were filming*. I couldn't believe how how much better I looked (and in this case "better" = "younger").
_____
*I do a show with two of my friends for the Minneapolis public access t.v. station called "Channel Surfing Wipeout"

Something else I'm not making up

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

I heard that Cybill Shepard, while on Rachel Ray's program, extolled using vaseline as a moisturizer.

[madknits.livejournal.com]

My hair is yet as black as the wing of a crow, as the saying goes, but my beard is beginning to grey and I have to say I'm getting grey along the chest. I don't plan on dying any of it. Since I want to be a librarian, grey hair might make me more authoritative. Dunno.

Noticed you were from Moorehead. My grad school roommie was from Alexandria and went to college in Moorehead. Small world.

[danbearnyc.livejournal.com]

And it's even good ON vegetables, like, say,zucchini and cucumber.

Re: Something else I'm not making up

[danbearnyc.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but she dated Elvis. What else would you expect?

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I slipped when using the spellchecker. "Pertinence" should be "patience".

My hair started graying when I was in my mid-30's, and I thought it was cooler than cool. Right now uncoloured it's sorta "blah". Salt & pepper" I could deal with, and am rather jeloous of my sister's boyfriend's pure while beard & hair.

Your ex-rommie isn't frstythesnowman, by any chance?

[chen-tokuryu.livejournal.com]

Thank you kindly. I'll look him up once I can afford whatever he prescribes me. :)